My Religion

I haven't blogged for about a week now, which is quite a long time for me. So I thought I'd come back with a bang and write about the mother of all contentious issues. Religion is something I've wanted to write about for a long time. My heart is actually beating hard as I type this, which is something I can't say I've ever experienced while blogging before. So here goes.

There is no doubt that nothing stirs up more heated debate than religion. The nature of the subject naturally brings up all kinds of dogma that makes sensible discussion quite dificult. All I really hope to convey here are my own experiences with religion, how it has changed during my life and what I think of it now.

(Note: When I talk about religion, I almost exclusively mean Christianity. Simply because that is the only religion I've ever dealt with.)

For many years I considered myself a good Christian. I prayed every night, mostly to say thanks and to hope for self-improvement. In times of distress, I prayed for strength and for faith. I tried my best to behave in a way that upheld the ideals of Christ. However, I never regularly attended church. At first this bothered me because that was the proper Christian thing to do. Later I worried about it less because I believed that God would recognize my sincere faith in Christ regardless.

I rarely had trouble holding onto my faith. As a child, I had no problem in believing the story of Genesis and all the Old Testament events like the Flood and the parting of the Red Sea. Growing up, I started learning about things like Evolution and the Big Bang that disputed these stories. But that was never an issue for me. Like most sensible Christians I know of, I simply altered my interpretation of the Bible. The seven days of Creation became seven metaphorical days. Adam and Eve's banishment from Eden became an allegory rather than historical account. Most importantly though was that none of these things really impacted what I felt was the crux of Christianity- the death and Resurrection of Jesus Christ.

Thinking back now, I was never really concerned with the validity of the Bible. I did not find it hard to believe that the Son of God walked the Earth two thousand years ago. I was more occupied with the ideologies and teachings of Christianity. I was confident that my faith was unshakeable and so I devoted myself only into being the best Christian I could.

So I was once Christian. As good a Christian I believe, as any. I may not have studied the Bible all that intensely but I felt I knew enough. More importantly, I had sincere faith in the sacrifice of Christ for humanity's sins, which is really what Christianity is all about.

Now, however I am an atheist. Not even an agnostic or anything. Completely atheist and maybe even a little nihilistic. Ironically, sometimes I see my departure from faith as my true 'second birth'. So let me explain how it happened.

About last year I found out that my dad didn't believe in evolution. It really set me off. I told a friend about how much it bothered me. He promptly replied that I was completely overreacting. Which I was. I always knew that there were Christians who denied evolution. As I explained earlier, I found a way to accept scientific facts without hurting my faith. My opinion on those who could not was that they may have been ignorant but they had a good relationship with God and that was the imporant thing.

But it's one thing to talk about ignorance and another to witness it first-hand. To see it in my dad was hurtful. I guess that's one of my vices. Ignorance just really gives me the shits. Experiencing it at such a personal level tied to religion was enough to make me question my faith.

My 'conversion', if you like from Christianity to atheism was certainly not solely dependant on this event. But I have to say that this was the first domino in a long chain reaction. In the months to follow, I went through a very long process in which I gradually, almost painfully, let go of my religion.

I find it difficult now to recount my thoughts during these months. They're hard to remember. Little arguments against Christianity flew in from all sorts of directions. I became acutely aware of the historical context of Christianity. It started two thousand years ago as a branch of Judaism which differentiated itself by the acceptance of Christ as Messiah. Somehow it managed to spread over all of Europe and became the major religion it is today. Realising that the Bible (at least the New Testament stuff on which Christianity is based) was written only two thousand years ago made it seem less authoritative in my mind. (In comparison, humans have been around for 200,000 years. And that's not even including neanderthals and stuff. Which raises the question, if animals aren't subject to Judgement after death, then at what stage of evolution did humans begin to be judged for their sins? I have heard that some religious leaders have released official statements about when they believe the human soul was 'evolved'. (Okay, I realise I'm being kind of smart-alecky here but I thought that was a pretty clever thing to ask.))

When I say that these little arguments came from all sorts of directions I really mean it. Even at school, we happened to be doing 'The Cosmic Engine' for Physics. I thought a lot about the incomprehensible scale of the universe and how insignificant human life, history and culture is compared to say, the lifetime of a star. It seems like a bit of characteristic vanity on the part of humans to propose that we were made in the image of the creator of the universe. Also particularly valuable during this tumultous period were the videos of this particular Youtube channel. Lots of strong arguments opposing religion there. Unfortunately, he comes off a bit smug and arrogrant at times (especially towards Christians, who seem to be his main target) but that seems to be a trait of most atheist campaigners. I think its rubbed off me a little too.

The thing to note about all these little arguments against religion (except maybe the Youtube guy) I accumulated were that they appealed to my emotions rather than my sense of reason. That's what really tipped me over. Any sensible Christian knows that reason has very little to do with religion. Faith is what really holds religious beliefs together. So when my emotions began to react against religion, there was no longer anything that tied me to it.

There was one final obstacle I had to overcome before I could let go of religion and that was fear. I feared eternity. Lying in bed at night, sometimes I think about how time is infinite. When I think about it hard enough, it gets really fucking scary. Time never ends. Does that mean everything exists for ever? Forever is a very scary word. Even as a Christian, I would think of eternal happiness in heaven and even that would unsettle me. Who wants eternal happiness? I don't want eternal anything. But time is infinite, so everything goes on forever whether you like it or not. Who can deal with such terrifying truths? This might not sound powerful now but thinking about it in the middle of the night, it drives me crazy. Fear of eternity has plagued me for a very long time. As a small child, I would end it by imagining the embrace of my mother. In adolescence, I took comfort in the hope of heaven, where the Bible explained that eternity was a good thing. For a while, I held onto religion solely because of this security it gave. I resolved I was too weak to be an atheist. My solution in the end was to avoid the question of eternity. I did so for at many months. Doing so, I was able to well and truly became an atheist and I finally ended my prayers to God every night.

Just last week, I thought about eternity again. As always, it drove me nuts. I sat up in bed and stared at the wall for a while. Then I went back to sleep. The fear of eternity that almost kept me religious reflects a comment made by Cardinal George Pell last year. He claimed that the lives of people without faith have 'nothing beyond the constructs they confect to cover the abyss'. To this, one disgruntled newsreader replied, "It seems to me that the Cardinal is just upset that nobody wants his lollies."

As a final note, I would like to say that I am very content now in terms of all this metaphysical stuff and I cannot imagine myself returning to Christianity. My mind remains open, as always, but it has taken a long journey to reach where it is now. It would please me greatly if this post provoked some kind of discussion. There are other opinions I have on religion that I did not have time to touch on.

Well, that's all that I have time to write about religion. I'm a little tired now because I just spent almost two hours writing this (didn't even realise that time was passing). I would like to apologise to anybody who came to this blog and expected some movie/flash game recommendations. The truth is I haven't been getting much of either lately because of schoolwork/Minecraft.